I got to talk to Joe last night. Although his buddyapos;s phone kept breaking up. I would have been able to talk to him for about 15 minutes, but instead I probably got about 8 minutes over the course of two phone calls. He sounded better. Still wanting to get out and wanting to know if he should screw up in order to do it. I just tried to stay positive since I was happy to hear from him. I didnapos;t want to waste precious time filling his head with ideas that wonapos;t really help anything. I wanted to lift his spirits so I told him about time I had spent with his family and how the baby was getting bigger and stuff like that. It was the first non-emotional phone call weapos;ve had so far in 2 weeks, so I didnapos;t want to ruin it. Those moments are all I have to get me through from one day to the next.
I sent him a letter this morning. It was very uplifting I think. I rewrote it cuz when I was re-reading the original one last night, I was horrified at how "emo" it was lol. So I rewrote it with more positive themes and included some pictures from Pon and Zi. He should get a kick out of them. He might receive my first letter and the pictures I sent him today. Iapos;m praying to God that nothing bad happens and they tear up the pictures or something in front of him. It would kill me. I sent him some ultrasound pictures from my 29 week ultrasound and didnapos;t even think to make copies first. The one I sent him of her all snuggled up in me sleeping is my favorite so far. I pray that it goes okay. I donapos;t remember what I wrote in my letter. I hope if they read it, it was nothing bad that would make them punish him. I was in an emotional stupor and I can be a blubbering idiot. Iapos;ll be happy to hear that he got it. ***Update: I just read that the army will not read the letters, but will check for contraband, so I should be good***
On the other hand, I have to start accepting things. Iapos;m tired of whining and crying. I am now an Army wife, basically. This is my life for the next 8 years. And Iapos;ve got to start accepting the fact that there will most likely be many missed events over these next years. Thereapos;s a very real possibility that I will give birth to Alyssa without him there. Sherrie made a good point today when she said that I was in mourning and proceeding through the various stages of grief. Itapos;s true - Iapos;ve been angry, completely sad and heartbroken, and Iapos;m moving into acceptance, I guess. The questions I have do not have answers. No matter how many times someone tells me it will be ok or theyapos;re sorry, it will not fulfill that. Although it does make me sad when I read about how much the Army cares about them and I wonder if given our situation, they would have still come out feeling the same. Joe understands the DSs being tough. He knows theyapos;re supposed to break him down. But we didnapos;t expect the ruthlessness applied to our very personal and intimate situation. This would be a breeze for Joe if it was all about him. But when the attacks are aimed at me and our baby and the babyapos;s birth that we are so thrilled for, it completely breaks him on a whole different level. I hope the best for him and for us that something good will come out of this. But right now, there is just too much pain there. I think it completely shattered his trust and pride in the Army in a way that may be irreparable. Weapos;ll see as time progresses.
In the meantime, Iapos;m trying to make it through and trying to count my blessings. He will look good in uniform. He will love me for being there for him and supporting him. He will come home to me. He will see his daughter sometime within the first month of her birth. He will be home for 2.5 weeks in December. We are going through this together. This has made us stronger already. This has made us appreciate each other and realize what we have. He is my hero more so than ever. Our daughter will have a daddy she can be proud of. He will be out when she is young enough to not feel like he was gone all the time. I love him more and more each day. When I go to bed at night, I can take comfort and find grace in the fact that he loves me so much.
beneath sea spartacus sun, beneath sea, beneath river sky sleep, beneath ringtone wind wings.
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